High school parties — from casual get-togethers to graduation open-house affairs — are kicking into high gear, and the celebration season likely will be around through midsummer.

The temptation and opportunity for under-age drinking and drug use increases tremendously during this time, say area community leaders, parents and students themselves.

“High school graduation is a rite of passage, a transition, a step forward from childhood to young adulthood,” says Dr. Paul Smith, owner and president of Rochester Hills-based Abaris Behavioral Health “The graduation season is a time for celebration, when many teenagers have high spirits, are full of excitement, but also have low inhibitions and are more likely to engage in risky or life-threatening behavior involving alcohol and or drugs.”

Add to the inclination to celebrate that parents often don’t know or turn a blind eye to what goes on at parties and among teens, and the results can be – and have been – tragic.

“I very much worry about young adults at this time of year because that celebratory mood, that feeling of freedom can lead to some very bad decisions,” said Bloomfield Township Police Chief Kirt Bowden.

Experts suggest parents face the realities, take steps to prevent such behaviors, and deal swiftly and clearly with situations that put their teens or others in danger.

Over the next three days, Patch will explore some of the tactics parents and teens can take to minimize risks during this time of graduations, celebrations and parties.

Today: What studies show, what parents don’t know and 10 tips to help them

Friday: Communication is the key and community resources

Saturday: Teens say it’s all about choices

 

The tragic death of a 17-year-old Cranbrook-Kingswood Upper School student in downtown Birmingham early Monday forced the communities to deal with a difficult, uncomfortable subject: teenage suicide.

Yet, suicide — and the depression or other mental illness that often precedes it — is an issue that touches thousands of lives daily.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death in adolescents, behind accidents and homicides, said Dr. David Rosenberg, chief of psychiatry and psychology at Children’s Hospital of Michigan in Detroit. According to the Suicide Prevention Resource Center, suicide was the 10th ranking cause of death in Michigan from 1995-2005, with an average of 1,049 residents taking their lives each year. Of those, 7.9 percent were people age 15-19.  Meanwhile 76.7 percent of all Michigan suicide attempts during that time were in that teenage age bracket, according to the center.

Fortunately, there are plenty of tips and programs to help parents, teachers, friends and others in the community trying to cope with suicide or someone they believe is at risk.

An escalating problem

MINDS: Shining Light on Mental Health is a Southfield-based educational nonprofit that has been going into area classrooms for 13 years educating young people on mental illnesses and the early warning signs of suicide.

“We educate and refute stigma,” MINDS founder Heather Irish said. “We don’t diagnose. We teach kids about how the brain works, letting them know if your brain isn’t working the right way, it might be a mental illness.”

Every year, the organization speaks to roughly 20,000 students at schools around Metro Detroit. However, Irish said the number of suicidal kids approaching them after their presentations during the past two years has risen dramatically — so much so that it reminds her of the weeks following the Sept. 11 attacks on the United States.

Much of this spike in young people considering suicide can be attributed to increased stress, pressure and even the tough economy, she said.

Rosenberg agreed, but also noted that part of the spike in suicides can also be attributed to the lessening stigma of mental illness. Whereas tragedies were once hushed up 10-20 years ago, he said now families are more comfortable be honest when suicide happens.

Young people clearly face more stress than in the past, he said, and the dramatic spike in suicide rates can’t be attributed simply by fewer families hiding their depression.

Confronting survivor’s guilt

“When someone dies, it’s tough. But when someone dies from committing suicide, it’s complicated,” said Dr. Paul Smith, owner and president of the Rochester Hills-based Abaris Behaviorial Health clinic.

Chad Oyer, associate pastor of student ministries at the First United Methodist Church of Birmingham, agreed. “What makes a student suicide so difficult is that it’s not uncommon for the living to never blame the dead; rather they blame themselves,” Oyer said. “Consequently, suicide plants seeds of destruction in the lives of those around him or her — parents, siblings, friends and classmates.”

Recovering from a friend’s suicide can be especially traumatic, especially if you were close with the victim. According to Birmingham-based mental health therapist Marilyn Rusche, teens tend to dwell on one thing when a friend kills himself: Why didn’t I see this coming?

“When you’re a teen, you’re not thinking about death,” Rusche said. “Teens think they are literally immortal, so suicide can be a shock.”

Smith agreed. “When a friend or peer commits suicide, you may experience powerful emotions,” including shock, emotional numbness, anger, guilt, self-blaming, depression, hopelessness and despair,” Smith said. “Your grief reaction may continue for weeks or months after the suicide.”

Survivors should not grieve alone, Smith said. “Surround yourself with family and friends for comfort and understanding, for someone to listen and a shoulder to lean on when you need it,” he said.

“That’s why it’s imperative for adults to listen to, to empathize with, affirm and, if there’s any doubt, direct students to professionals who can help,” Oyer said.

The student who killed himself Monday was staying in Cranbrook dorms while his family was living in Texas, though they did maintain a second residence at Birmingham Place in downtown Birmingham, where the boy’s suicide took place.

At Cranbrook, students are being provided with guidance from school staff during this difficult time, Communications Director Clayton Matthews said. “Cranbrook schools have longstanding mentoring and counseling programs, particularly for boarding students,” he said. Monday, Cranbrook released a statement noting that “a grief counseling team comprised of school counselors, deans, nurses, and the school’s chaplain are on hand to talk with students.” Parents were also notified the services are available.

Identifying the signs

A friend’s or family member’s suicide isn’t anyone’s “fault,”  but there is always room to pay closer attention, Rosenberg said. Though he wouldn’t comment specifically on the Cranbrook student’s case, he said more than 80 percent of suicide victims alert someone before they commit the act.

Determining if your child, student or friend is at risk for suicide may be the first step toward helping them, though area doctors say untangling the signs can be incredibly difficult.

“There are no cookie-cutter descriptions or signs of behavior that convey someone’s going to commit suicide,” said Peter Wolf, a Bloomfield Hills-based mental health therapist who works with youths and teens. “Suicide is insidious and affects everybody.”

According to Wolf and Irish, these warning signs include:

• Changes in mood
• Changes in relationships with friends
• Changes in behavior, such as dropping grades or quitting the football team
• Talking about not wanting to be around
• Giving away his or her prized possessions
• Thinking or talking about his or her own death and funeral
• Cryptic social messaging, such as on Facebook or in text messages.

Above all, Rosenberg said, if you’re concerned that someone you know is at risk for suicide, ask them about it. Asking will not drive them to commit the act, he said, but rather let them know someone cares.“You may just save a life if you ask the question,” he said.

Wednesday, Clawson Patch kicks off a new feature called Whiz Kid. Whiz Kids are all around the community, and we want to hear about them and honor them for their accomplishments.

This article explores ways to help your own child become a Whiz Kid in one way: giving to the community. Do you know a Whiz Kid?

Colin just got a scholarship for his volunteer work. Justin is getting a presidential service award for his community service. Robin wants to skip presents at her birthday party and just have the guests bring money for a cause.

Are those your kids? On the other end of the spectrum, one area mom says she can’t get her son to initiate any volunteer work unless it’s with friends and only if required. One dad said his son told him joining clubs is for geeks. For many children, the favorite day of the year is their birthday because of “all those gifts.”

Wherever your child is on the “sense-of-purpose” scale, raising empathetic and motivated children requires a lot of parental guidance, say area counselors, teachers and community activists.

Although it may seem tougher than asking your child to give up television and Facebook, turning out dedicated community supporters is one of the most worthwhile things parents can do for their children. It’s challenging but doable, experts say, and will help you create responsible kids and good character.

Young Givers

“To get your kids involved in community projects, start at a young age,” said Carol Mastroianni, executive director of the Birmingham Bloomfield Community Coalition, which is based in the Birmingham Covington School in Bloomfield Hills. “Find things your kids are interested in, things you can do together as a family.”

Mastroianni cites simple projects such as a neighborhood cleanup or helping at a community or school garden as a few easy ways to get involved.

“If your child is shy, bring them to a food bank and let them sort cans,”  she said. And keep in mind community theater groups. “I used to take my children to Stagecrafters (the Baldwin Theatre) in Royal Oak when they were very young and they’d help quite a bit.”

For the very young, talk to them about how they can help the less fortunate, said Sara Chase, a clinical psychologist at Rochester Hills-based Abaris Behavioral Health. Chase works with children and adolescents and often suggests that her clients get involved in community activities.

“Consider smaller tasks,” Chase said, “like cleaning their rooms and donating things they don’t need.”

Do as we do

Ideally, said Chase, parents teach values, compassion, and a sense of community through their example and by doing things with their children from an early age on as part of what families do.

Grandmother, parent and retired Detroit art teacher Linda Logan says role modeling is essential.

“Young kids are hard-wired to learn the ways of the world, which means copying adults,” said Logan, a Huntington Woods resident who volunteers at the Lawrence Street Gallery in Ferndale. “Older kids, say 8-12, need companionship. They’re learning that they can do things wrong, so ‘fear of failure’ sets in.”

Chad Oyer, associate pastor of student ministries at the First United Methodist Church of Birmingham notes that research shows parents matter most when it comes to their child’s character formation. “Consequently, children are heavily shaped by seeing their parents’ commitment to and involvement in serving others,” he said. “The best is when parents and students are serving others together.”

Bob and Tenchi Wayner of Royal Oak were excellent role models for their children, Lauren and Paul, now 29 and 28 years old.

“When they were young we took them along with us as we volunteered,” Bob Wayner recalled. The family would go to the South Oakland Shelter in Royal Oak, or they were volunteer cooks for a weekend youth retreat with St. Anne’s Church in Detroit. “I took my son with me when volunteering to put up new bleachers for a football field,” Wayner added.

The parents’ guidance paid off — their adult kids now organize family sponsorships during the holidays and volunteer to coach youth soccer in southeast Detroit.

Like the Wayners, Cornelia Pokrzywa also has instilled in her three daughters ages 9, 11 and 13 compassion and community awareness.  “Often, parents believe that children are ‘too young’ or shouldn’t get involved in adult affairs,” Pokrzywa said. “I have always fostered involvement in nonprofits,” she said.

The Rochester Hills mother inspires awareness in different ways, including at her children’s birthday parties. “In lieu of a gift, we sometimes ask guests to bring an item to donate for a selected charity,” Pokrzywa explained. One year, it was dog and cat food for an animal shelter; another year it was Teddy bears for the Oakland County’s  Bears on Patrol. One time, the family rented a dunk tank and raised money for CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation.

“Children can participate in walk-a-thons, too,” said Pokrzywa, a lecturer in the department of writing and rhetoric at Oakland University.

Her kids (all musicians) also often provide music at charitable fundraisers. Recently, her daughters performed with the Oakland Youth Orchestra at the Mercy Bellbrook retirement home in Rochester Hills. The family also is involved in helping the Save Our Symphony group to preserve the Detroit Symphony Orchestra.

It’s Never Too Late

Unfortunately, parents don’t always have the time to orchestrate such family interests and outings when their children are young. It’s all they can do to hold jobs, shuttle their kids to school activities and ensure there’s a healthy meal on the table at night. Many busy moms and dads admit they did not make community work a priority when their children were in grade school.

No worries, the experts sayd. It’s never too late to get kids involved and teenagers are a perfect age group for volunteer service. It’s how you go about motivating them that will determine if they’re up for jumping in.

“Adolescents are at a stage where their interests shift to friends, fun, competition, and belonging,” Chase said. At this age, she suggests considering something like a fundraising car wash or bottle drive where the money is used to improve a local park or purchase items for those less fortunate. This way they can have fun with friends (always a teenage priority) and increase their sense of belonging.

“The result is a compassionate effort, a better sense of connectedness, and belonging to something greater than yourself,” Chase explained.

Associate Pastor Oyer suggests a good way to engage students to serve others and to participate in community service is to inspire them, “by sharing a story of an organization or person(s) in need that grips their hearts.”

Longtime teacher Logan says to always remember that teens need to be respected.  “Whatever you plan,” said Logan, “tell them up front, and let them have some say in it.”

Clawson Mayor Penny Luebs concurs with Logan. “Listening to the kids’ ideas on what would make the group/event a success is key,” Luebs said. “Ask open-ended questions (those that begin with what/why, not questions that simply require a yes or no answer).” Also, she suggests access to food (what teen’s not interested in pizza?).

Logan also suggests taking an interest in the cause yourself — contribute something to show your interest. And always, “let them invite a friend or two.”

Check Out Community Clubs

Another way to get involved is to look into local Optimists clubs, suggests Rocco Romano, president of the Clawson/Troy Optimist Club and a resident of Clawson.

“The optimists clubs are a great way to do help achieve positive qualities in kids,” said Romano, an architect with TMP Associates in Bloomfield Hills.
There are four clubs in Clawson — one each at the two elementary schools and one each in the middle school and high school.

Romano’s sister, Bonnie Homrich of Royal Oak, is working on a college paper for Destiny Christian University in Roseville, MI, about the role of Optimists clubs in a child’s life.

“The Junior Optimists help children get a sense of belonging,” Homrich said. “My brother, Rocco, was initially part of the adult optimist club and then got involved with the kids (junior optimists range in age from 6-18) because he wanted to help them feel better about themselves.”

The Optimist creed includes “being so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind,” she explained. “And they want to bring health, happiness and prosperity to all they meet. When you help someone else in the community, you feel good about yourself.”

On Wednesday, Rochester Patch kicks off a new feature called “Whiz Kid.”  Whiz Kids are all around the community, and we want to hear about them and honor them for their accomplishments. This article explores ways to help your own child become a Whiz Kid in one way: giving to the community.

Colin just got a scholarship for his volunteer work. Justin is getting a presidential service award for his community service. Robin wants to skip presents at her birthday party and just have the guests bring money for a cause.

Are those your kids? On the other end of the spectrum … one area mom says she can’t get her son to initiate any volunteer work unless it’s with friends and only if required. One dad said his son told him joining clubs is for geeks. And for many children, the favorite day of the year is their birthday because of “all those gifts.”

Wherever your child is on the “sense-of-purpose” scale,  raising empathetic and motivated children requires a lot of parental guidance, say area counselors, teachers and community activists.

And although it may seem tougher than asking your child to give up television and Facebook, turning out dedicated community supporters is one of the most worthwhile things parents can do for their children. It’s challenging but doable, say experts, and will help you create responsible kids and good character.

Young Givers

“To get your kids involved in community projects, start at a young age,” said Carol Mastroianni, executive director of the Birmingham Bloomfield Community Coalition, which is based in the Birmingham Covington School in Bloomfield Hills. “Find things your kids are interested in,” Mastroianni added, “things you can do together as a family.”

Mastroianni cites simple projects such as a neighborhood cleanup or helping at a community or school garden as a few easy ways to get involved.

For the very young, talk to them about how they can help the less fortunate, said  Sara Chase, a clinical psychologist at Rochester Hills-based Abaris Behavioral Health. Chase works with children and adolescents and often suggests that her clients get involved in community activities.

“Consider smaller tasks,” Chase said, “like cleaning their rooms and donating things they don’t need.”

Do As We Do

Ideally, said Chase, parents teach values, compassion, and a sense of community through their example and by doing things with their children from an early age on as part of what families do.

Grandmother, parent and retired Detroit art teacher Linda Logan says role modeling is essential.

“Young kids are hardwired to learn the ways of the world, which means copying adults,” said Logan, a Huntington Woods resident who is a member of the Lawrence Street Gallery in Ferndale. “Older kids, say 8 to 12, need companionship. They’re learning that they can do things wrong, so ‘fear of failure’ sets in.”

Chad Oyer, associate pastor of student ministries at the First United Methodist Church of Birmingham notes that research shows that parents matter most when it comes to their child’s character formation.

“Consequently, children are heavily shaped by seeing their parents’ commitment to and involvement in serving others,” he said. “The best is when parents and students are serving others together.”

Rochester Hills mom Cornelia Pokrzywa has instilled in her three daughters (ages 9, 11 and 13) compassion and community awareness.

“Often, parents believe that children are ‘too young’ or shouldn’t get involved in adult affairs,” Pokrzywa said. “I have always fostered involvement in nonprofits.”

She tries to inspire awareness in different ways, including at her children’s birthday parties.

“In lieu of a gift, we sometimes ask guests to bring an item to donate for a selected charity,” Pokrzywa explained.

One year, it was dog and cat food for an animal shelter; another year it was Teddy bears for the Oakland County’s  Bears on Patrol. One time, the family rented a dunk tank and raised money for CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation.

“Children can participate in walk-a-thons, too,” said Pokrzywa, a lecturer in the department of writing and rhetoric at Oakland University.

Her kids (all musicians) also often provide music at charitable fundraisers. Recently, her daughters performed with the Oakland Youth Orchestra at the Mercy Bellbrook retirement home in Rochester Hills. The family also is involved in helping the Save Our Symphony group to preserve the Detroit Symphony Orchestra.

It’s Never Too Late

Unfortunately, parents don’t always have the time to orchestrate such family interests and outings when their children are young. It’s all they can do to hold jobs, shuttle their kids to school activities and ensure there’s a healthy meal on the table at night. Many busy moms and dads admit that they flat-out did not make community work a priority when their children were in grade school.

No worries, say the experts. It’s never too late to get kids involved, and teenagers are a perfect age group for volunteer service. It’s how you go about motivating them that will determine if they’re up for jumping in.

“Adolescents are at a stage where their interests shift to friends, fun, competition, and belonging,” Chase said. At this age, she suggests considering something like a fundraising car wash or bottle drive where the money is used to improve a local park or purchase items for those less fortunate. This way they can have fun with friends (always a teenage priority) and increase their sense of belonging.

“The result is a compassionate effort, a better sense of connectedness, and belonging to something greater than yourself,” Chase explained.

Longtime teacher Logan says to always remember that teens need to be respected.

“Whatever you plan,” said Logan, “tell them up front, and let them have some say in it.”

Logan also suggests taking an interest in the cause yourself — contribute something to show your interest. And always, “let them invite a friend or two.”

Peers and Pals

Craig Kaplan of Bloomfield Hills relishes the camaraderie that goes along with volunteer service. He combined his passion for leadership and the arts and his desire to help the community by starting RAD, which stands for Reinstituting the Arts into Detroit.

Every month, Kaplan, a 17-year-old senior at Lahser High School in Bloomfield Hills, works with other area high schools to organize visits to O.W. Holmes Elementary-Middle School  in Detroit. There hasn’t been an art program at the school for about 10 years.

The teens orchestrate craft-making sessions and read books to the kids.

“I think the kids’ favorite craft was when we made butterflies out of coffee filters,” said Kaplan, who first would visit  the school as an independent study project with  his grandmother and a friend or two. Then the idea grew and he wanted to get his classmates involved.

“Over the summer, I made RAD official and got fieldtrip permission forms, etc. from the  high schools,” Kaplan said. He also is assured that the program will continue once he graduates.  “It can maintain itself now that it’s official,” he said.

The December RAD session drew a record-number of volunteers — 128 high school students from Lahser and Andover high schools working with 14 classes/300 students, all making bird ornaments out of acorns.

“I wanted kids to see that art can be created out of anything,” Kaplan said.

The industrious — and entrepreneurial — teen says one of the best parts of heading up a small program is that he has the ability to run it himself.

“I wanted the autonomy to create something myself. Even though it’s a small program, it’s personal and I care about it and I connect with the kids. I made a connection.”

What’s Your Passion?

Stuck on what cause to get involved with?

“Parents should help their kids find a cause,” said Pokrzywa. “Think about the causes you support and let your child know why you take your own time and money to give to this cause.”

Pokrzywa suggests finding causes that your kids are interested in. “We are music lovers —  my daughters are all budding musicians,” she said. Therefore, her family likes to support musical causes.

Oftentimes, kids want to help other kids who are their same age. The Kids Helping Kids One Step at a Time Walk event, co-chaired by Connie Beckett of Troy and Kelly Shuert of Bloomfield Hills, is a perfect way to get kids involved.

Hosted by The Children’s Charities Coalition  (comprised of  four nonprofit organizations based in Oakland County: CARE House, The Community House, Orchards  Children’s Services and Variety The Children’s Charity), the event requests that each walker raise at least $75, which benefits kids of the coalition.

“We have found that the kids who participate in the walk are members of their school band, swim team, choral group, etc.,” said Gigi Nichols, communications director for The Community House.

“They love volunteering with their friends, and peer recruitment works well.” The walk is May 1 (registration begins at 9 a.m. and starts and ends in Birmingham’s Shain Park).

“With schools and families working hard to instill positive character traits in children, this is a perfect way to teach children the importance of giving back to the community,  Nichols said of the walk, now in its fourth year.

Churches also offer great ways to get involved with the community.

“Many youth today have a passion and a desire to make a difference in the world,” said The Rev. John Harnish of the First United Methodist Church in Birmingham. “They see the news, they know what’s going on and they want to have an impact,” he added. “If we can offer them opportunities that touch their hearts, they will respond.”